Cart Before The Horse Read online

  She looked at herself again and let the moment sink in. She was buying a wedding dress. She was getting married. She was going to have a baby. And she’d fallen in love with her husband to be. The thought caught. She put her hand on her stomach and let out a breath.

  “Holly, are you all right?” Her mother moved quickly

  to her side.

  “I’m fine. I just got caught up in the moment.” Her heart pounded in her chest and her breath clogged her lungs. She’d never felt this sure about anything in her life. It wasn’t how she’d expected it to happen. It was wonderful.

  Holly tried on the dress the saleswoman brought back, and she adored it. It was perfect.

  As her mother talked to the woman about the price and scheduling times for alterations and pick up before the wedding, Holly stood staring at her reflection, enjoying the moment she realized she loved Gabriel Maguire.

  They’d picked out her wedding dress and stopped by one florist to see designs, though her mother seemed to have her own ideas on what the arrangements should look like. They had plans to go back the next week and look at more, but Holly didn’t see why she’d have to go. Her mother hadn’t liked any of her ideas, even if it was for her wedding.

  Trudy had called a bakery and set up a time to do a tasting. Holly thought the chef could put together a cake, but Trudy wouldn’t hear of it.

  Holly’s first instinct was to tell her mother how she felt about all the decisions being made, but it did seem like her

  mother was trying to participate. She just couldn’t seem to help herself when it came to letting someone else make decisions. But she was participating, and Holly needed to let her be part of it. She’d promised her father she would.

  They’d stopped and had tea at the Brown Palace, and before Holly headed home, she picked up a few items at the

  store for dinner.

  Tonight was going to be special. She was going to tell Gabe she loved him and share her news of the contract, her dress, and the flowers. She was finally excited to have her life taking the many curves it was supposed to take.

  She dressed as casually as she could in a pair of jeans she’d always kept for those times when she’d over indulged in ice cream or for that time of the month. They almost fit. She left the button undone and wore a long sweater to cover the waistband. A little accenting with her makeup, a spritz of her favorite perfume, and she pulled her hair back to expose her neck. In her jewelry box she kept a very special pair of earrings with rubies she thought she’d wear. They would match the very special ring on her finger.

  An hour later, she was walking out the door with her groceries, hoping she hadn’t missed Gabe’s window of opportunity to eat. It was already past seven and it would be at least eight thirty before she had dinner ready. Perhaps the dinner crowd on Monday wouldn’t be so bad and he could get away when she was done cooking.

  When she walked through the door of the restaurant and saw Chandra behind the bar, she wondered if everything was okay. She hadn’t heard from Gabe since he’d paged her the night before—and Chandra had mentioned she wouldn’t be back to work until Tuesday.

  She caught her eye and Holly smiled, but Chandra shook her head. Her forehead creased, and she nodded for Holly to meet her at the end of the bar.

  “What are you doing here?” She snapped out the question

  as she threw her bar towel into the sink.

  Holly’s good mood took a nosedive. It certainly wasn’t the greeting she’d hoped for when she’d come to tell her future husband that she loved him. She was nervous enough. Chandra’s bad attitude wasn’t helping. She straightened her shoulders and gripped the bag of groceries tighter. “I came to make Gabe dinner. Is he here?”

  “He’s here.” Chandra shook her head. “Didn’t he tell you he didn’t want to see anyone today? He sure as hell made it clear to me and the rest of the staff.”

  “I haven’t heard from him all day.”

  Chandra leaned against the bar, and her eyes softened. The crease in her forehead disappeared, and she looked around as if she didn’t want anyone else to hear what she had to say. “Listen. Go home and come back tomorrow.”

  “I beg your pardon. I told him I’d cook for him. I’m here. I’m going upstairs and—”

  Chandra laid her hand on Holly’s arm. Her first reaction was to jerk back, but there was such desperation in the grip she could only stare at the woman holding her. Chandra gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “It’s the anniversary of the crash.”

  Holly felt the world spin and she closed her eyes for a moment to regain her equilibrium. “He’s upstairs alone?”

  “By now he’s probably passed out. He came down about noon and grabbed a bottle of Jack and headed up. I haven’t seen him since, but I’ve heard the sound of a few things breaking.”

  “I didn’t know.” And she felt horrible that she didn’t.

  “The past two that I’ve been with him, he was fairly quiet about it. He was in a mood, but this one hit him pretty hard.” She eased her hand off of Holly’s arm and gave a shrug with one shoulder. “I assume that has something to do with you.”

  “Me? Why would this be my fault?”

  He loves you.” Chandra turned and poured a glass of water then handed it to Holly. “You and the baby are very important to him now. Let him mourn.”

  Holly sipped the water then set it back on the bar. “I’m going to go up.”

  Just then a group of twenty walked through the door, and Chandra rolled her eyes then gave Holly a stern look, but in her eyes brewed the concern of a dear friend. “Don’t you even let on that we just got busy.” She took out her rag and wiped down the bar. “Hear me?”

  “Got it.”

  Holly walked up the stairs and stood outside his door for a moment before tapping on it lightly. There was no answer. She tapped again and then decided she’d just go in.

  The chairs to the table were on their sides, and the refrigerator stood wide open. She set down her bags and closed the refrigerator door.

  She picked up the chairs and set them upright, and slowly walked into the living room. He wasn’t there, but he had been. Three empty beer bottles stood on the table by his chair, along with the half-empty bottle of Jack. She couldn’t help but notice the empty picture frame that had once held Jasmine’s photo.

  There was a hitch in her heart. She’d spent the day making plans to tell the man she loved him, and all the while he’d been mourning his wife.

  “Gabe?”

  “Go home, Holly.”

  The groan came from the bedroom. She opened the door, and by the stench of alcohol, she realized he’d holed up there most the day. The bed was torn apart, and she found him slumped on the floor in the corner, clutching the missing picture.

  “I came to make you dinner.”

  “I said go home.”

  “I heard you. Why don’t you let me help you to bed?”

  “Damn you! Didn’t you hear me? Go away.”

  She certainly didn’t like this side of him. It broke her heart to see the man sobbing like a lost child. She wanted to fall

  down beside him and wrap him in her arms, but she didn’t know exactly where her place was at the moment. If he wanted to mourn, she was in the way. If he wanted to move on, he couldn’t with Jasmine looming in his heart.

  She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants and knelt down next to him. No matter what, she wasn’t going to let him pass out in the corner. The fact was, she did love him and she had to help him in any little way she could. “Gabe, I know what’s going on. I know what today is.”

  He nodded. “Chandra can’t keep her big mouth shut, huh? I was going to give her a raise since she let us trash her house, but not now.”

  Holly shook her head. She’d let it go. “C’mon. In bed.”

  “You said that once to me, you know.” He pushed himself to his knees and grabbed hold of the nightstand for balance. Holly helped him to his feet. “You were as drunk as I am now.”


  “Yes, I think I was.”

  “I shouldn’t have had sex with you.” He wobbled as he walked toward the bed. “You were too drunk. It wasn’t fair

  to you.”

  “If I was so bad, Tracy would have taken me home. Let’s not worry about it.”

  “But you’re so upset about the baby. You don’t want to be a mother like I want to be a father.”

  The horrific truth of the statement hit her like a brick. How could she tell him that things had changed? She did want to be a mother to his child. To their child.

  The stench in the room made her stomach churn, and the sadness in his words twisted in her gut, making her wonder if he now regretted that night as much as she once had. She wished he’d just pass out and shut up. Everything she wanted

  to tell him wasn’t worth the air it would take to speak. “Get some rest.”

  He sat on the edge of the bed, and she lifted his legs and covered him up. As she did so, the picture of him and Jasmine

  fell from his hands and to the floor. She felt the tears burn her eyes, but she wasn’t going to cry. He might have said he loved her, but he’d always love Jasmine more. Holly would always know that. She picked up the picture and looked down at the happy faces he’d been staring at all day. It wasn’t but a moment later and he was asleep. She was glad, for his sake. By the looks of the apartment, he’d mourned all day.

  She turned off the lights, shut his door, and went about picking up the mess he’d left. She set the beer bottles on the table to take back down to the recycle bin later, put the bottle of Jack in a cupboard, washed his dishes, and put away the groceries she’d brought for another night. Before she left, she took the empty picture frame and replaced the picture. For a moment, she stared at it. Did he look at her like that? Would

  he someday?

  She set the picture back by his chair and then picked it up again. She walked it to the mantel and placed it right in the middle among the rest of his family. His wife belonged there.

  She turned off the lights, closed the door, and headed back downstairs.

  The group of twenty had multiplied, and the entire restaurant was full and so was every seat at the bar. Chandra caught her eye and she knew by the glare she was asking if he was coming back down. Holly firmly shook her head and headed right for her.

  “Where would I be the most help?” she asked.

  “What? What are you talking about?” Chandra poured two beers and set them in front of the two men at the bar.

  “What can I do to help?”

  Chandra gave her a look as two of the perky-titted waitresses came to the end of the bar with orders. She reached for

  an apron and threw it at Holly. “This tray of drinks goes to table six.” She pointed to a table in the corner. “You ever done something like this?”

  “Never,” she said as she picked up the tray, which was

  much heavier than she’d thought it would be, and walked to the table. This was only the first two minutes into a long night, she assumed. How did those women do it every night and still smile at the customers?

  The night went on like that until ten. Holly served drinks, bussed tables, cleaned up after one very messy kid, and earned thirty dollars in tips. When Chandra locked the door after the last diner had left, Holly sat at the bar and lifted her feet to the other stool.

  “Does that happen often?”

  “What, the rush?” Holly nodded and Chandra grinned. “All the damn time.” She pushed a mug of hot water toward her and handed her the box of teas. “Thanks for stepping in. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I needed to, for Gabe.” She chose a tea and put it in

  the water.

  “Is he okay?”

  Holly shrugged. “He passed out a few moments after I got up there. He’ll be okay.”

  Chandra rested her hip against the bar. “Don’t get discouraged, okay?”

  “I’m not.” She swallowed down the regret that it was a lie. She was discouraged and saddened by what she’d seen. Holly brushed her hair away from her face and sat up straight. “Jasmine will always come first.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  Holly snickered. But after better thought she stiffened her face and looked down at her tea. “What do you mean?”

  “Sure. She was his wife. They were married for a few years before she died. That was six years ago. Now he has you.”

  “Well, he didn’t choose that.”

  “Like hell he didn’t. You do realize you both left here stuck to each other and slept in the same bed.”

  Holly looked around as if to see if anyone else had heard that. “But it wasn’t planned. It just happened.”

  Chandra shook her head, turned, and poured herself a cup of coffee, then returned to the bar and looked at Holly. “I’ve worked for him since he got here. Not once have I ever seen him leave with anyone or take a woman upstairs. He works his ass off and that’s all he ever did until you came along.” She sipped her coffee. “And for those few months after you walked out on him, he did nothing but watch that door, hoping you’d walk back through it.”

  The breath that escaped her lungs took with it her straight spine. She relaxed into the chair and embraced the secret Chandra was sharing. “Really?”

  Chandra nodded. “You know what he told me when he took that bottle upstairs? He said he had to let her go. This was his goodbye salute.”

  It hadn’t looked that way to her. “I don’t understand.”

  “Didn’t you ever have a grandparent who died? Or a friend or something?”

  “Sure.”

  “And didn’t you talk to them? After they were gone

  I mean?”

  Holly thought of the conversation she’d had that morning with the baby and nodded.

  “Well, it’s like that. He went upstairs to tell her goodbye. To get mad that some SOB took her life away. If he doesn’t let go of it, he can’t move on with you.” Chandra drank her coffee. “What do you want from him?”

  “I don’t know. All of this was so unexpected.”

  “That’s when it’s the best.”

  “I came here tonight to tell him I love him. It came to me today, and it was such a clear feeling. I couldn’t wait to

  tell him.”

  Chandra threw her hands in the air. “Crappy timing, huh?” She let out a grunt as if she too had been waiting for that moment to insure that Gabe was getting what he deserved. Holly was sure she didn’t want to let either of them down.

  “We’ll see how he feels about it some other day.” Holly sat up and put her feet on the ground. “What else can I help with?”

  “Go home.” Chandra took Holly’s mug and poured it out. “Get off your feet and take care of yourself and your baby.”

  Holly stood and put her hands on her aching back. She hadn’t realized she’d walked around as much as she had. She took her coat off the rack by the door.

  “Hey, Hol. Thanks for the help. You’re a keeper in

  my book.”

  Holly smiled. That meant a lot.

  She didn’t hear from Gabe all of Tuesday, and it was Wednesday after work before he showed up at her door. She stood there in a pair of ratty pajamas with a bowl of cereal in her hand, looking him over.

  “Can I come in?” he asked.

  “Sorry. I didn’t expect you.” She backed up from the door and let him through. “Can I offer you some Special K?”

  “No, thanks.” He walked into the living room and turned to her. “I heard you got your contract. Congratulations.” His voice was soft.

  “We did. It’ll be a lucrative one.” She took a bite of her cereal, then felt strange about eating it. She excused herself to the kitchen. “Take your coat off and have a seat,” she hollered over the running water of the sink.

  He was standing by the window when she walked back into the room. He turned when he noticed her. “I’m sorry for the other night. I wasn’t very nice to you.”

  “You had things o
n your mind.”

  “I did. I had you on my mind.”

  She didn’t know quite what to say to that, so she didn’t speak at all. She sat down in a chair and looked up at him.

  “I had to have one last night, Holly. I hope you

  understand that.”

  “Gabe, you don’t have to explain things to me.”

  “I feel like I do.” He knelt down in front of her, and her heart began to race. “I loved her, Holly. I loved her like I never thought I could love anyone.”

  She pushed down the sharp pain that pierced her chest. Those were not the words she wanted to hear when she’d finally realized she loved him as much as she did. She looked down at her hands, but he gathered them in his and it forced her eyes back to his. A shield of sadness in them made her hate that because of her he’d been forced to move on from Jasmine. She shook her head. “Please. You don’t…”

  “I loved her. I’ve missed her for so long. I’d thought about ending it a million times because it hurt so bad.”

  She looked away. She didn’t want to hear it.

  “That was until you walked through my door,” he said, and she turned to face him again. “I’ve felt guilty for the past few weeks because all I could think about was you. I fall asleep and I see your face. I get your texts and I smile. I drive by your office and I get excited knowing you’re inside.” He lifted her hands to his lips. “I didn’t know I could love again.”

  She pulled her hands back and stood. “Please, don’t.”

  He stood and grabbed hold of her arms. “The other night was saying goodbye. One last night to feel bad that six years ago my life was ripped apart. Six years ago someone else took over my life and I let it nearly drag me under.” He reached his hand to her cheek. “Almost three months ago you walked into my life, and for the first time in years I was alive again. I’ll admit you telling me you were pregnant threw me a bit. But it meant you’d be in my life forever. It was as if I’d been cured of a disease. I could live again.”